How My Boyfriend Became Part of My Family

When Matt and I started dating, I knew better than to tell my mom right away. After five years in New York, this Midwestern girl had earned such a (well-deserved) reputation as a prolific dater that my mom instituted a rule whereby I wasn't allowed to tell her about a new guy unless we had gone on at least three dates. So, after getting all the jerks and idiots out of my system, I started dating Matt, a nice, smart, cute guy with a real job.

The three date rule safely surpassed, I told my parents how I excited I was about him and they couldn't wait to meet him.

The next time my parents came to New York, Matt and I met up with them and made small talk in their hotel room while waiting for my sister, Stacey, to arrive. Stacey had spent the previous six weeks leading a troop (a herd? a pack? a pride?) of teenagers around the country, camping and leading social service activities. She burst into the hotel room, ripe with the smell of sweat, summer, and certainly not of showering.

She soon joined Matt and me on the bed, burrowing under the covers, and digging her feet under Matt's butt. "What are you doing?" I asked, taken aback. "Trying to get comfortable," she said. Before I could chastise her, I smelled it--more than just her unwashed stink, it was clearly a FART. Yes, my little sister was farting in front of my new boyfriend.

"Ewwww!" I jumped off the bed, "what are you doing?!" While my parents stood by laughing, Stacey reasoned, "What's the problem? Either you'll break up with him and I'll never see him again, or you'll get married and he'll be family."

True enough. A year and a half later, while we plan our wedding, I like to remind Matt that Stacey may be an unorthodox sister-in-law, but at least she's always made him feel like part of the family.

Anonymous, You Suck

I love when people comment on my blog. It's so great to see your thoughts and know you're reading my writing.

However, I wasn't too thrilled today to see Anyonmous' comment to my July post about why I hate Carrie Bradshaw. Of all things, that post inspired someone to write: "ur a bitter bitch!" Well, Anyonmous, I'm a lot of things. Sure, I'll give you that I'm bitter and a bitch. But at least I'm not an idiot and know how to spell.

The Dumbest Thing I've Ever Heard

I don't like stupid people. More than mean people or rude people, I vehemently dislike stupid people. Although my passive-aggressive nature is boiling up with this post, I am compelled to write this because, hyperbole aside, this story is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

A co-worker was sharing her triumph with my boss over her ability to talk down a mattress salessman from his initial price of $8,000 to $2,200. After she left the office, I had to ask my boss what kind of mattress costs $8,000.

"You know, one of those really nice sleep-number beds," she explained.

"Well, there's no way it really cost $8,000 to begin with if she was able to buy it for $2,200. And $2,200 is still a lot of money to spend for a mattress! I can think of a lot of things I'd rather have for that much money."

"Yeah, but she was telling me that her mom got a refund check from the government she didn't think was right so she divided it up between her kids. Each of the three of them got $5,000 to spend immediately since her mom didn't want to deposit any money into her back account."

Wait? WHAT?

A woman gets a refund check of $15,000 she thinks is incorrect and she thinks the government won't find out if she doesn't put it in her bank account? Does she not realize that if she CASHES THE CHECK it becomes obvious that she's taken the money? Does she think the government won't come after her for the money? And if the money really is hers, she's just instructed her children to go out and overspend immediately for no reason.

Either way, she just threw away $15,000. And her three children all thought this was a good plan???

Is this the dumbest thing you've ever heard? Because it pretty much tops my list.

My Mother, the Enabler

I talked to my mom for over an hour last night about work, the wedding and (wee ones? whiny ones? ugh, fine, I won't go the aliteration route) babies.

I was lamenting the recent changes at my office, pondering my future there and in general.

"I don't want to leave," I said, "I like my co-workers and really have no interest in going somewhere else, but I'm not sure what's going to happen."

"Well, you could just get pregnant now," she said as if it were an answer.

"What?" Was my mom really suggesting that I get knocked up before getting married?

"Why not? We can just move up the wedding. You could move back to Kansas City. Matt could work here and you could be close by!"

"Slow down, I'm not just going to get pregnant just because I'm not sure what to do about work," I replied huffily, ignoring the fact that I had been pondering the exact same scenerio just the day before. Babies! Tiny clothes! Cuteness! And yes, yes, diapers, crying, no sleep, responsibility for forever and more unfulfilled dreams to be pushed aside for more pressing issues.

Yes, I'm 30 and engaged to be married, but that doesn't mean that I'm ready to be a mother. Why would my mom want me to have a child just because I don't know what my next step should be?

When my Bubbie thought my cousin Lisa would never marry, she urged my then 34-year-old cousin to have a baby with her boyfriend, reminding Lisa that a husband wasn't necessary. My conservative Bubbie not just condoning, but advocating having a child out of wedlock?

Why is it that the rules seem to change after you hit a certain age? When did a baby become a solution instead of just a problem?

Best Quote Ever

I grew up with my friend Lisa; in fact, I've known Lisa since I was 22 days old. She's more like a family member than a friend and even though we've grown apart, she'll always be in my life.

Lisa lives a very different life than I do. After college, she moved to Boulder where she started surveying. Basically, Lisa works "in the field" for 30 or 40 days in a row and then goes to Mexico, hikes the Grand Canyon, or river rafts for a few months before she needs to make more money.

When I told her that I was getting married, she immediately asked, "Can I be one of those ladies, you know, the ladies in the wedding?"

"A bridesmaid?" I clarified.

"Yeah, that's it. I better be one of those bridesmaid ladies, Motherfucker."