I don't even know

So I got another rejection letter from an agent today. And while it was an encouraging letter (it was personalized and he liked my funny, engaging writing), it was still a rejection letter. I've gotten rejection letters before, but this was the first one I've gotten since I reworked the entire message of the book and rewrote the entire book proposal. I know agents won't take authors if they think their books won't sell, but how do so many crappy, poorly written books sell? There's so much shit out there--so many truly awful books--how do those authors get agents? How do they get sold?

I'm just upset.

I'm upset that I might have to scrap this idea. I'm upset that I'm afraid to work on the novel I've been wanting to write for 10 years because why should I bother if that one just rots on my computer too?

I was IMing with my friend Kara earlier, who acted as my cheerleader, saying, "wouldn't it be boring if all your dreams came true right now?"

I know I'm getting married in a couple weeks and will probably have a baby in the next couple of years, but I don't feel like those are dreams coming true. I was never one of those girls who always wanted to get married and have babies. It's not to say that I don't want to marry Matt (I do, or I wouldn't be), but getting married has never been my goal. I have always wanted to write books. And it's disappointing to be reminded that I continue to fail.