Wedding Anxiety

I don't usually have a problem with sleeping--I'm one of those people who can take naps, fall asleep on airplanes, and fall back asleep after the cat races through the apartment at 6am. Lately, however, I've been laying awake at night, going over lists in my head, thinking about the massive amount of shit I have to do for my clients and my wedding, and all the writing I'm not doing. So, last night after Matt and I got into an argument about the wedding menu, I popped two Tylenol PM, eager to embrace the enveloping fog. Is this when you know you're old? When Tylenol PM is your drug of choice instead of alcohol or other substances?

I wasn't really that stressed out about the wedding until I spent last week in Kansas City with my mom, running wedding-related errands and making wedding-related decisions nearly every waking hour for four and a half days. Among other things, we went to 11 shoe stores looking for wedding shoes, went to 5 stores looking for a guest book and sundry other crafty items, went to the printing place 5 times to look at ink colors and paper choices, looked for a dress for my sister (since the one I ordered for her was the wrong color), met with the caterer, met with Rabbi and the synagogue coordinator, looked at chair and table covers, got my wedding dress fitted, picked up my marriage license, spent hours choosing photos for our video montage, and met with the videographer. Am I missing something? I'm sure I am.

It turns out that I have two qualities that make me ill-suited for wedding planning: I want things the way that I want them, and I am a terrific procrastinator. Fun.

I'm having some mixed feeling (let's call it what it is--anxiety) about my upcoming nuptials. No, not about getting married or not about marring Matt (although I'm sure that will come soon.) I'm wondering if I should have a wedding. Specifically, if it will be worth it.

Is it worth spending 10 months preparing for one event? Is it worth stressing out about every single detail like getting the exact right color on the invitations, making my own guest book, and finding the perfect Ketubah? Is it worth pissing off my future in-laws because I refuse to have children running around at the wedding? And finally, is it worth it financially? Instead of throwing a party, we could use the money to go toward the down payment on a house. I'm fortunate in that my parents are paying for the wedding. It's not like Matt and I are taking out loans or forced to choice between having a wedding and, let's say, a car for example. But still, if we eloped, none of this would matter. So, is it worth it?

I don't know. I'm trying not to get caught up in the minutia of the Wedding Industrial Complex and remember that it's about our celebration, not about our cupcake tower, but with the overwhelming amount of details and decisions, sometimes it seems like EVERYTHING is important and sometime it seems like NOTHING is.

I guess, like so many things, I won't know until it's over.